Am I ever going to be a good person? I feel like I want and desire all of these things that are right at the tip of my fingers but I'm in no manner contributing to their realization.
Let's start with true love. Wanting to find that RIGHT guy who loves and cherishes me, I have dated some pretty big duds. Now fast forward to the present day. This guy is pretty amazing. He has the perfect (to me) physical attributes, my type of career ambitions, speaks the language, cleans a lot, smiles all the time! Rarely do we fight. Yet, how do I handle it? I fight, for no apparent reason. Why am I not cherishing this person and consistently showing him through my actions how amazing he truly is? I hate the thought that I'm becoming complacent and treating him like another boyfriend. He isn't just another boyfriend. I cherish everything about him and never want him to feel taken for granted. I say it to him, but do those words even mean anything when I can't consistently show it? Sure I respect him, follow his wishes. I don't compromise my relationship by associating with other men, nor do I make him feel that he ever needs to worry. It's not all he needs though. It's not all I would need.
I want this picture perfect, photos on Tumblr about love type of relationship. And the reality is I CAN have it. For once I can have it. Blissfully beautiful. But I insist on finding ways to alienate and fight. Stupid, stupid reasons.
Moving on to body. I whine and complain because I once had a problem. I want this perfect body. I have everything I need to get the a body I can proud of. I have a healthy weight, I have a shape that can be worked with, I have hair and skin I love! But I return to my destructive ways because working towards it is so hard. Yet this is easier?
I hate the idea of ruining my body. I want to be healthy. I want to have babies some day. And I want to work out, but I seem to find more comfort in sitting here and hating myself rather than going and doing something about it. Working out feels great. It's hard though. I'm so easily discouraged as well. I want to just see results even though I know I wont see these results for at least 4 weeks. I still get discouraged. Then I push myself too hard until it hurts too much and I DREAD going back.
Yes I know those of you that are workout pros out there are going to tell me to take it easy. Start slow and work your way up. Lift weights and eat clean. I KNOW this. I have the ROAD MAP to get the body I want. I also, however, have the ROAD BLOCK in the form of my inconsistent mind. That's something I've always felt I was too smart to win. How do you battle your own wits?
So I let myself sit here and I stop eating. It's not as hard as I remember it. I don't mean that it's working too well, but it's strange how easily I've fallen back into it. I wonder if I had these feelings eight years ago. "I'll stop when I reach the right weight and just pick up with my vegan diet. Then I'll maintain, workout and define my muscles, and I'll be happy!" Right? Sounds familiar, like I must have had those thoughts before. Then again, maybe I didn't develop the plan that far. Even so, I fear that my plan may not all work out so easily. 120 seems good now, but will it seem good then? Knowing my mind...
What am I complaining about anyway? The deadbolts locked? He's not sitting out right where I want him to? Seriously? Am I even complaining? This is more of a fear rant, I'm pushing him away, I'm pushing myself away. Everyone who knows better is just being pushed.
And my life is pretty put together now. More than it EVER has been. Boyfriend and I make fun of these type of people who FIND problems where no problems exist. I don't want to be one of them. Am I one of them?
I keep wanting to post more on here. Maybe it will help get my crazy thoughts more lined up or at least I can vent.
Maybe my life will just look more interesting, or will look like what it actually is (pretty good) when I lay it out in front of me.
Time to search for the camera and tripod.
