Am I ever going to be a good person? I feel like I want and desire all of these things that are right at the tip of my fingers but I'm in no manner contributing to their realization.
Let's start with true love. Wanting to find that RIGHT guy who loves and cherishes me, I have dated some pretty big duds. Now fast forward to the present day. This guy is pretty amazing. He has the perfect (to me) physical attributes, my type of career ambitions, speaks the language, cleans a lot, smiles all the time! Rarely do we fight. Yet, how do I handle it? I fight, for no apparent reason. Why am I not cherishing this person and consistently showing him through my actions how amazing he truly is? I hate the thought that I'm becoming complacent and treating him like another boyfriend. He isn't just another boyfriend. I cherish everything about him and never want him to feel taken for granted. I say it to him, but do those words even mean anything when I can't consistently show it? Sure I respect him, follow his wishes. I don't compromise my relationship by associating with other men, nor do I make him feel that he ever needs to worry. It's not all he needs though. It's not all I would need.
I want this picture perfect, photos on Tumblr about love type of relationship. And the reality is I CAN have it. For once I can have it. Blissfully beautiful. But I insist on finding ways to alienate and fight. Stupid, stupid reasons.
Moving on to body. I whine and complain because I once had a problem. I want this perfect body. I have everything I need to get the a body I can proud of. I have a healthy weight, I have a shape that can be worked with, I have hair and skin I love! But I return to my destructive ways because working towards it is so hard. Yet this is easier?
I hate the idea of ruining my body. I want to be healthy. I want to have babies some day. And I want to work out, but I seem to find more comfort in sitting here and hating myself rather than going and doing something about it. Working out feels great. It's hard though. I'm so easily discouraged as well. I want to just see results even though I know I wont see these results for at least 4 weeks. I still get discouraged. Then I push myself too hard until it hurts too much and I DREAD going back.
Yes I know those of you that are workout pros out there are going to tell me to take it easy. Start slow and work your way up. Lift weights and eat clean. I KNOW this. I have the ROAD MAP to get the body I want. I also, however, have the ROAD BLOCK in the form of my inconsistent mind. That's something I've always felt I was too smart to win. How do you battle your own wits?
So I let myself sit here and I stop eating. It's not as hard as I remember it. I don't mean that it's working too well, but it's strange how easily I've fallen back into it. I wonder if I had these feelings eight years ago. "I'll stop when I reach the right weight and just pick up with my vegan diet. Then I'll maintain, workout and define my muscles, and I'll be happy!" Right? Sounds familiar, like I must have had those thoughts before. Then again, maybe I didn't develop the plan that far. Even so, I fear that my plan may not all work out so easily. 120 seems good now, but will it seem good then? Knowing my mind...
What am I complaining about anyway? The deadbolts locked? He's not sitting out right where I want him to? Seriously? Am I even complaining? This is more of a fear rant, I'm pushing him away, I'm pushing myself away. Everyone who knows better is just being pushed.
And my life is pretty put together now. More than it EVER has been. Boyfriend and I make fun of these type of people who FIND problems where no problems exist. I don't want to be one of them. Am I one of them?
I keep wanting to post more on here. Maybe it will help get my crazy thoughts more lined up or at least I can vent.
Maybe my life will just look more interesting, or will look like what it actually is (pretty good) when I lay it out in front of me.
Time to search for the camera and tripod.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
I'm so self-destructive.
And I don't want to be! I know better than to not eat. I know it'll probably slow my metabolic rate and I'll stay flabby and possibly gain. And yet, I still do it.
I need to eat. I need to force myself. If I don't I'll be flabby. And I just end up binging so I'll be even flabbier!
I've also been feeling detached from boyfriend lately and I'm pretty sure it's me. It's all in my head and I bring myself down. He's amazing and I've been all down on myself with the "fat talk."
I need to eat and not binge. So I'm trying to tend toward the vegan side of eating. I'm not vegan. I was strictly vegetarian for a couple years and that was fine. There was no real reason to continue. I did it to avoid food when I lived at home. My parents were all about "eat eat eat." You know those Mexican families and food.
But after I moved out I just continued. It still gave me an excuse to not eat a lot of things when I was out and about. I just kinda stopped one day. I'm still not a huge meat fan but I AM a huge cooking fan so I like to try recipes with different meats. And I became keen on eating lean protein like chicken when I started going to the gym more.
I don't do the gym much now, but I do plan to start again. I've had the membership all this time. I still plan to keep eating lean chicken and fish, possibly SOME red meat here and there. But I want to try to steer my cooking more towards the vegan mind so I can avoid certain ingredients. A lot of vegan cooking is very low calorie just because of the massive amounts of things that are excluded. So I want to be conscious of what I put in and make sure it's all nutritionally valuable.
I'm only worried that it can get expensive. I'll have to balance out what I do save from eating less meat and what I spend on more vegan products.
I need to also branch out on my vegetables. I LOVE veggies. But I think I tend to eat the same ones over and over. Same with fruits. I want to have a large variety so I don't get bored and get all sorts of different vitamins and health benefits.
In conclusion, I'm crazy in the head. I hate it.
I need to eat. I need to force myself. If I don't I'll be flabby. And I just end up binging so I'll be even flabbier!
I've also been feeling detached from boyfriend lately and I'm pretty sure it's me. It's all in my head and I bring myself down. He's amazing and I've been all down on myself with the "fat talk."
I need to eat and not binge. So I'm trying to tend toward the vegan side of eating. I'm not vegan. I was strictly vegetarian for a couple years and that was fine. There was no real reason to continue. I did it to avoid food when I lived at home. My parents were all about "eat eat eat." You know those Mexican families and food.
But after I moved out I just continued. It still gave me an excuse to not eat a lot of things when I was out and about. I just kinda stopped one day. I'm still not a huge meat fan but I AM a huge cooking fan so I like to try recipes with different meats. And I became keen on eating lean protein like chicken when I started going to the gym more.
I don't do the gym much now, but I do plan to start again. I've had the membership all this time. I still plan to keep eating lean chicken and fish, possibly SOME red meat here and there. But I want to try to steer my cooking more towards the vegan mind so I can avoid certain ingredients. A lot of vegan cooking is very low calorie just because of the massive amounts of things that are excluded. So I want to be conscious of what I put in and make sure it's all nutritionally valuable.
I'm only worried that it can get expensive. I'll have to balance out what I do save from eating less meat and what I spend on more vegan products.
I need to also branch out on my vegetables. I LOVE veggies. But I think I tend to eat the same ones over and over. Same with fruits. I want to have a large variety so I don't get bored and get all sorts of different vitamins and health benefits.
In conclusion, I'm crazy in the head. I hate it.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
My Hair!...and other crazy thoughts
I am on a journey to grow my hair out SUPER LONG and lose AT LEAST 10 lbs.
Ok why are these even related to each other? I'll tell you why!
Because I am not a patient person. Yet, I know that growing my hair out will take time. In fact, I've grown my hair out quite a bit in the past couple years. More than that I've actually just helped with the health of my hair immensely.
I used to be one of those people who fought endlessly with my natural texture and spent so many years HATING my hair.
My hair is special, not always in a good way. It is thick and I love that. But it is a mix of curly, wavy, and randomly straight. There is no set texture to my hair so I'm not blessed with just hopping out of the shower and letting it air dry. (This sounds like such an echo of every other girl who dislikes her hair! ^_^) I do not dislike my hair though.
I did everything from blow-drying to straightening with the WORST tools back when I was still in high school. Since then I have upgraded to much better hair tools (i.e. Sedu and Solia). Yet the years of torment to my hair took a toll on it. I think it was around the point where I actually had sideburns, no kidding, SIDEBURNS because I had burned off so much of the hair near my ears from constant heat expose, that I realized I needed to do something differently if I actually wanted longer hair.
My sister always had such long hair, I didn't understand why mine wouldn't grow much. So I researched. And YouTubed. And read blogs. Finally, I just stopped with the heat. It was really that simple. I got a better haircut and miraculously I LOVED my hair. I started getting so many compliments on it too and all I did was find the right cream gel and let it air dry. My hair was able to curl more with heavy layers and suddenly I had this great wavy voluminous hair.
So fast forward to now and I still follow much the same routine except my hair is getting longer and stronger.
Backing up to how this even relates to weight-loss because I'm the queen of sidetracks. I know that growing my hair out as long as I want it will take time. Months.
However, my issues with weight and food don't allow me to see weight loss as a similar kind of thing. I want results and I want them NOW. I get discouraged and beat myself up when I don't lose. I HATE myself if I gain. I'll never lead a steady program to actually lose weight if I continue to be discouraged.
So I've decided to tie the two together. All I've wanted for years is to have beautiful long hair and a thin frame (who doesn't?) So rather than making it an enemy for my sanity, I'm going to make it a journey of two things that are to be achieved TOGETHER.
It seems healthier and more realistic to think I wont be 118 lbs in a week but that I CAN be that weight and possibly less by the time my hair is long. I set the goal at 10 lbs and I know I've lost that much in way less time than I'm giving myself now.
I have started to take Biotin. I've been taking them for a week now. I use the formula that is once a day and I have not missed a day.
I know I wont see the results for at least 2 months. So in 2 months I hope to be at least 8 lbs lighter. In another months after that I should be able to achieve well below my goal of under 120.
I want to pace myself and know that it is a goal I am trying to reach, not an immediate result that I fail at.
The problem with me is that I see weight loss, and I get excited. Then I go for a couple more days and see more loss. So I give myself an excuse and cheat. Except my cheats are bad. I almost binge! I just don't stop. Therein lies my problem.
So in my journey to improve my physical appearance I'm throwing in self-improvement as well. Learning patience and taking it one step at a time; as well as moderation to not just go crazy and give myself stupid excuses. It's willpower that I need to build!
Ok I've been going on forever now and I SHOULD be in the shower getting ready for Sunday night dinner with the fam o_0 I also missed my weekly Sunday coconut oil conditioning treatment out of pure laziness today. I'll update more of my actual hair-care routines and products if anyone is ever interested!
Ok why are these even related to each other? I'll tell you why!
Because I am not a patient person. Yet, I know that growing my hair out will take time. In fact, I've grown my hair out quite a bit in the past couple years. More than that I've actually just helped with the health of my hair immensely.
I used to be one of those people who fought endlessly with my natural texture and spent so many years HATING my hair.
My hair is special, not always in a good way. It is thick and I love that. But it is a mix of curly, wavy, and randomly straight. There is no set texture to my hair so I'm not blessed with just hopping out of the shower and letting it air dry. (This sounds like such an echo of every other girl who dislikes her hair! ^_^) I do not dislike my hair though.
I did everything from blow-drying to straightening with the WORST tools back when I was still in high school. Since then I have upgraded to much better hair tools (i.e. Sedu and Solia). Yet the years of torment to my hair took a toll on it. I think it was around the point where I actually had sideburns, no kidding, SIDEBURNS because I had burned off so much of the hair near my ears from constant heat expose, that I realized I needed to do something differently if I actually wanted longer hair.
My sister always had such long hair, I didn't understand why mine wouldn't grow much. So I researched. And YouTubed. And read blogs. Finally, I just stopped with the heat. It was really that simple. I got a better haircut and miraculously I LOVED my hair. I started getting so many compliments on it too and all I did was find the right cream gel and let it air dry. My hair was able to curl more with heavy layers and suddenly I had this great wavy voluminous hair.
So fast forward to now and I still follow much the same routine except my hair is getting longer and stronger.
Backing up to how this even relates to weight-loss because I'm the queen of sidetracks. I know that growing my hair out as long as I want it will take time. Months.
However, my issues with weight and food don't allow me to see weight loss as a similar kind of thing. I want results and I want them NOW. I get discouraged and beat myself up when I don't lose. I HATE myself if I gain. I'll never lead a steady program to actually lose weight if I continue to be discouraged.
So I've decided to tie the two together. All I've wanted for years is to have beautiful long hair and a thin frame (who doesn't?) So rather than making it an enemy for my sanity, I'm going to make it a journey of two things that are to be achieved TOGETHER.
It seems healthier and more realistic to think I wont be 118 lbs in a week but that I CAN be that weight and possibly less by the time my hair is long. I set the goal at 10 lbs and I know I've lost that much in way less time than I'm giving myself now.
I have started to take Biotin. I've been taking them for a week now. I use the formula that is once a day and I have not missed a day.
I know I wont see the results for at least 2 months. So in 2 months I hope to be at least 8 lbs lighter. In another months after that I should be able to achieve well below my goal of under 120.
I want to pace myself and know that it is a goal I am trying to reach, not an immediate result that I fail at.
The problem with me is that I see weight loss, and I get excited. Then I go for a couple more days and see more loss. So I give myself an excuse and cheat. Except my cheats are bad. I almost binge! I just don't stop. Therein lies my problem.
So in my journey to improve my physical appearance I'm throwing in self-improvement as well. Learning patience and taking it one step at a time; as well as moderation to not just go crazy and give myself stupid excuses. It's willpower that I need to build!
Ok I've been going on forever now and I SHOULD be in the shower getting ready for Sunday night dinner with the fam o_0 I also missed my weekly Sunday coconut oil conditioning treatment out of pure laziness today. I'll update more of my actual hair-care routines and products if anyone is ever interested!
Friday, December 21, 2012
Not my best day.
I want to eat, and it's making me want to cry.
I don't want to eat, but my stomach feels a bit nauseous. I'm guessing it was the drinking last night.
I also just feel down today.
I eat when these things combine, but I don't want to give in. I don't.
Bleh.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
A note...
In case it isn't evident, this has morphed into a pro-ana blog. I need a place to keep myself motivated.
I am a veteran to this, just one who's become lazy and complacent.
However, feel free to contact me whether to vent, get support, or just ask any questions. I'm hoping people like me reach out to me because I know what it's like to be there, and be here now.
I am a veteran to this, just one who's become lazy and complacent.
However, feel free to contact me whether to vent, get support, or just ask any questions. I'm hoping people like me reach out to me because I know what it's like to be there, and be here now.
Re-vision of my dream
It's that feeling again that I want to encompass myself in. When I start looking back at pro-ana and thinspo blogs/photos I start to feel it again. It engulfs me and I want to feel that way all of the time.
Pretty, chiseled faces.
Stomachs that don't move when they walk.
Long hair, long legs.
It's everything I've always been obsessed with. But I've always been more of a lurker than a doer! It's lazy. There's absolutely no excuse. Even when I was going to the gym consistently I still don't feel like I was giving it my all. Like I REALLY wanted it. I'm just LAZY. I talk myself into eating so easily. "It's only a few calories. I don't do this everyday." But the reality is I DO do it every day! A little bit here, a little bit there, and the weight never comes off. Instead, I've steadily gained. And I've watched myself steadily gain. The nasty spare tire has settled itself around my waist and I've kept feeding and feeding it.
Yuck. What's wrong with me? How do I just ignore that? Am I really THAT naive? Or just that f*cking lazy?!!!
Ok I'm going to give myself a little bit of credit. I DO know what to do. I will successfully go through 2-3 days of perfect restriction. Lots of green tea. Avoid high calorie, high carb foods. Eat cleanly when I do eat. But then come day 4 or so I get complacent. "Oh I've been doing good. I lost 4 lbs one cheat snack/meal wont hurt. Except it does. Alot. Then I'll go into full binge mode.
And I'm the pro at making up excuses. I feel sad today (what?) I'm on my period. I didn't get enough sleep for the past few days.
If I could just get on my soapbox and STAY there for once I could actually make some progress! And you know the sad thing? My goal was once 103 lbs. Goal now? Under 120. THAT'S how sad I've become. I'd be pacified if I could just see under 120 on my scale now. I'm really tired of seeing 130. But who am I to complain? I'm doing this to myself.
My clothes stopped fitting well. Stuff that used to be loose on me is now barely fitting. Some stuff I'm just too scared to even try. It's so gross to see the fat rolls through my shirt and above my pants.
Alright I've gone into full on rant mode here.
My original purpose for writing here again was to engulf myself in that feeling again. The desire, longing, drive to do something to get where I want to be!
It's definitely alot harder when you live with someone and you don't want to disclose your obsessive nature to them o_0
So I'm turning to the good ol' online community to share my story, my experiences, offer help, support, and probably take some help and support myself along the way.
Pretty, chiseled faces.
Stomachs that don't move when they walk.
Long hair, long legs.
It's everything I've always been obsessed with. But I've always been more of a lurker than a doer! It's lazy. There's absolutely no excuse. Even when I was going to the gym consistently I still don't feel like I was giving it my all. Like I REALLY wanted it. I'm just LAZY. I talk myself into eating so easily. "It's only a few calories. I don't do this everyday." But the reality is I DO do it every day! A little bit here, a little bit there, and the weight never comes off. Instead, I've steadily gained. And I've watched myself steadily gain. The nasty spare tire has settled itself around my waist and I've kept feeding and feeding it.
Yuck. What's wrong with me? How do I just ignore that? Am I really THAT naive? Or just that f*cking lazy?!!!
Ok I'm going to give myself a little bit of credit. I DO know what to do. I will successfully go through 2-3 days of perfect restriction. Lots of green tea. Avoid high calorie, high carb foods. Eat cleanly when I do eat. But then come day 4 or so I get complacent. "Oh I've been doing good. I lost 4 lbs one cheat snack/meal wont hurt. Except it does. Alot. Then I'll go into full binge mode.
And I'm the pro at making up excuses. I feel sad today (what?) I'm on my period. I didn't get enough sleep for the past few days.
If I could just get on my soapbox and STAY there for once I could actually make some progress! And you know the sad thing? My goal was once 103 lbs. Goal now? Under 120. THAT'S how sad I've become. I'd be pacified if I could just see under 120 on my scale now. I'm really tired of seeing 130. But who am I to complain? I'm doing this to myself.
My clothes stopped fitting well. Stuff that used to be loose on me is now barely fitting. Some stuff I'm just too scared to even try. It's so gross to see the fat rolls through my shirt and above my pants.
Alright I've gone into full on rant mode here.
My original purpose for writing here again was to engulf myself in that feeling again. The desire, longing, drive to do something to get where I want to be!
It's definitely alot harder when you live with someone and you don't want to disclose your obsessive nature to them o_0
So I'm turning to the good ol' online community to share my story, my experiences, offer help, support, and probably take some help and support myself along the way.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Update
I really am rather terrible at updating.
I haven't eaten at all today. Lies, I had one Almond Roca candy piece. So good, so bad.
I swear everything's gone from tragic to worse. It gets really easy to not eat. I haven't really lost but I haven't made an effort either. I've stayed below 130 which is a big thing for me in the last few months. I used to be 110 :'( Those days are long gone. I'm not even sure I CAN get back to that anymore. I just want to hit 120 again, it's been SO long since I've seen 120 on the scale. Then lower. For a fatass like me even 120 seems low right now.
In case anyone ever wondered, my stats:
Height: 5'5
CW: 128
HW: 142
LW: 110
GW1: 125
GW2: 118
GW3: 114
UGW: low...
I think I may update my tumblr alot more because I have it on my iPhone. So check it out sometimes. Short and sweet and more updates from my twisted head! offollies.tumblr.com
And say hi!
I haven't eaten at all today. Lies, I had one Almond Roca candy piece. So good, so bad.
I swear everything's gone from tragic to worse. It gets really easy to not eat. I haven't really lost but I haven't made an effort either. I've stayed below 130 which is a big thing for me in the last few months. I used to be 110 :'( Those days are long gone. I'm not even sure I CAN get back to that anymore. I just want to hit 120 again, it's been SO long since I've seen 120 on the scale. Then lower. For a fatass like me even 120 seems low right now.
In case anyone ever wondered, my stats:
Height: 5'5
CW: 128
HW: 142
LW: 110
GW1: 125
GW2: 118
GW3: 114
UGW: low...
I think I may update my tumblr alot more because I have it on my iPhone. So check it out sometimes. Short and sweet and more updates from my twisted head! offollies.tumblr.com
And say hi!
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