I'm so self-destructive.

And I don't want to be! I know better than to not eat. I know it'll probably slow my metabolic rate and I'll stay flabby and possibly gain. And yet, I still do it.

I need to eat. I need to force myself. If I don't I'll be flabby. And I just end up binging so I'll be even flabbier!

I've also been feeling detached from boyfriend lately and I'm pretty sure it's me. It's all in my head and I bring myself down. He's amazing and I've been all down on myself with the "fat talk."
I need to eat and not binge. So I'm trying to tend toward the vegan side of eating. I'm not vegan. I was strictly vegetarian for a couple years and that was fine. There was no real reason to continue. I did it to avoid food when I lived at home. My parents were all about "eat eat eat." You know those Mexican families and food.
But after I moved out I just continued. It still gave me an excuse to not eat a lot of things when I was out and about. I just kinda stopped one day. I'm still not a huge meat fan but I AM a huge cooking fan so I like to try recipes with different meats. And I became keen on eating lean protein like chicken when I started going to the gym more.

I don't do the gym much now, but I do plan to start again. I've had the membership all this time. I still plan to keep eating lean chicken and fish, possibly SOME red meat here and there. But I want to try to steer my cooking more towards the vegan mind so I can avoid certain ingredients. A lot of vegan cooking is very low calorie just because of the massive amounts of things that are excluded. So I want to be conscious of what I put in and make sure it's all nutritionally valuable.

I'm only worried that it can get expensive. I'll have to balance out what I do save from eating less meat and what I spend on more vegan products.
I need to also branch out on my vegetables. I LOVE veggies. But I think I tend to eat the same ones over and over. Same with fruits. I want to have a large variety so I don't get bored and get all sorts of different vitamins and health benefits.

In conclusion, I'm crazy in the head. I hate it.