It's that feeling again that I want to encompass myself in. When I start looking back at pro-ana and thinspo blogs/photos I start to feel it again. It engulfs me and I want to feel that way all of the time.
Pretty, chiseled faces.
Stomachs that don't move when they walk.
Long hair, long legs.
It's everything I've always been obsessed with. But I've always been more of a lurker than a doer! It's lazy. There's absolutely no excuse. Even when I was going to the gym consistently I still don't feel like I was giving it my all. Like I REALLY wanted it. I'm just LAZY. I talk myself into eating so easily. "It's only a few calories. I don't do this everyday." But the reality is I DO do it every day! A little bit here, a little bit there, and the weight never comes off. Instead, I've steadily gained. And I've watched myself steadily gain. The nasty spare tire has settled itself around my waist and I've kept feeding and feeding it.
Yuck. What's wrong with me? How do I just ignore that? Am I really THAT naive?
Or just that f*cking lazy?!!!
Ok I'm going to give myself a little bit of credit. I DO know what to do. I will successfully go through 2-3 days of perfect restriction. Lots of green tea. Avoid high calorie, high carb foods. Eat cleanly when I do eat. But then come day 4 or so I get complacent. "Oh I've been doing good. I lost 4 lbs one cheat snack/meal wont hurt. Except it does. Alot. Then I'll go into full binge mode.
And I'm the pro at making up excuses. I feel sad today (what?) I'm on my period. I didn't get enough sleep for the past few days.
If I could just get on my soapbox and STAY there for once I could actually make some progress! And you know the sad thing? My goal was once 103 lbs. Goal now? Under 120. THAT'S how sad I've become. I'd be pacified if I could just see under 120 on my scale now. I'm really tired of seeing 130. But who am I to complain? I'm doing this to myself.
My clothes stopped fitting well. Stuff that used to be loose on me is now barely fitting. Some stuff I'm just too scared to even try. It's so gross to see the fat rolls through my shirt and above my pants.
Alright I've gone into full on rant mode here.
My original purpose for writing here again was to engulf myself in that feeling again. The desire, longing, drive to do something to get where I want to be!
It's definitely alot harder when you live with someone and you don't want to disclose your obsessive nature to them o_0
So I'm turning to the good ol' online community to share my story, my experiences, offer help, support, and probably take some help and support myself along the way.
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