I really am rather terrible at updating.
I haven't eaten at all today. Lies, I had one Almond Roca candy piece. So good, so bad.
I swear everything's gone from tragic to worse. It gets really easy to not eat. I haven't really lost but I haven't made an effort either. I've stayed below 130 which is a big thing for me in the last few months. I used to be 110 :'( Those days are long gone. I'm not even sure I CAN get back to that anymore. I just want to hit 120 again, it's been SO long since I've seen 120 on the scale. Then lower. For a fatass like me even 120 seems low right now.
In case anyone ever wondered, my stats:
Height: 5'5
CW: 128
HW: 142
LW: 110
GW1: 125
GW2: 118
GW3: 114
UGW: low...
I think I may update my tumblr alot more because I have it on my iPhone. So check it out sometimes. Short and sweet and more updates from my twisted head! offollies.tumblr.com
And say hi!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
My head is nuts.
Haven't been working out. I was out of town a couple days. I thought I ate like a pig but I came home and I had lost weight. good news I guess. But I came home early because I'm having issues with the boy :/
Also haven't been eating much the last couple days. It makes me feel empowered.
Does not eating make anyone else feel empowered?
Lately the highest I had hit was 136. Less than s month ago. Yesterday I was 127.6. Before I left I was 130.
Today I haven't eaten anything. I didn't even have to try to restrict. I just haven't eaten.
I love it when it's easy. I also love the feeling of control and power. Starting to feel more optimistic. I'd felt like a real failure lately.
But compared with 136, I feel lighter than ever. I have a long way to go. But at least I'm finally seeing some results.
My shorts fit so loose today :)
Also haven't been eating much the last couple days. It makes me feel empowered.
Does not eating make anyone else feel empowered?
Lately the highest I had hit was 136. Less than s month ago. Yesterday I was 127.6. Before I left I was 130.
Today I haven't eaten anything. I didn't even have to try to restrict. I just haven't eaten.
I love it when it's easy. I also love the feeling of control and power. Starting to feel more optimistic. I'd felt like a real failure lately.
But compared with 136, I feel lighter than ever. I have a long way to go. But at least I'm finally seeing some results.
My shorts fit so loose today :)
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Fasting Day
I suck at fasting. I've just never been good at it. I have no self control. I got like 4 hours of sleep a couple nights ago and had to wake up early to go sign my paperwork then I went and got a manicure. So I was SO exhausted I was eating like a pig. It was awful. So today I tried to make up for it by fasting. I didn't eat anything all day.
Does it help anyone else when they're really pissed off/annoyed at their boyfriend to not eat? I was just so furious that I didn't want anything to eat. I had alot of water and a strawberry Crystal Light.
I was home alone tonight. Boy went home to do his laundry and packing for tomorrow. We're spending 4 days in San Diego. It's a work thing, but we'll have evenings and all day tomorrow when we get there. I was pretty down. Just upset about everything and feeling so lonely. We hardly ever spend nights apart and I didn't really want to today, but I also didn't want to give in and go stay with him. I was so annoyed at everything.
It wasn't until about 11pm tonight that I decided I needed to relax and had a glass of wine, then another, then another. Then I stopped. I also got the munchies (I suck) and had a shredded beef taquito from my freezer. They're 80 calories each. I might as well have had another glass of wine.
So my total intake for today was roughly 380 cals. Ugh, it was supposed to be 0.
I don't really regret the wine. I regret the taquito. Fatass that I am.
I was also supposed to work out today. But after the fight I was just so furious at everything I didn't want to be here. I left and got a pedicure. Then I shopped. I got some adorable shoes to go with my pedicure. But I certainly didn't get a workout.
I did do my abdominal exercises though. Not that it counts for much.
I have to wear short shorts, dresses, and bathing suits for the next 4 days. FML.
I plan to restrict heavily tomorrow too. I did decent today until about 20 mins ago. I'm going to bed now so I don't mess it all up again.
I really need to learn moderate self control. I either control completely, or don't at all. I need to end up somewhere in the middle and know what to order when out, when I really don't need to eat that, and when I shouldn't eat anything at all!
Bleh.
-Lolo
Does it help anyone else when they're really pissed off/annoyed at their boyfriend to not eat? I was just so furious that I didn't want anything to eat. I had alot of water and a strawberry Crystal Light.
I was home alone tonight. Boy went home to do his laundry and packing for tomorrow. We're spending 4 days in San Diego. It's a work thing, but we'll have evenings and all day tomorrow when we get there. I was pretty down. Just upset about everything and feeling so lonely. We hardly ever spend nights apart and I didn't really want to today, but I also didn't want to give in and go stay with him. I was so annoyed at everything.
It wasn't until about 11pm tonight that I decided I needed to relax and had a glass of wine, then another, then another. Then I stopped. I also got the munchies (I suck) and had a shredded beef taquito from my freezer. They're 80 calories each. I might as well have had another glass of wine.
So my total intake for today was roughly 380 cals. Ugh, it was supposed to be 0.
I don't really regret the wine. I regret the taquito. Fatass that I am.
I was also supposed to work out today. But after the fight I was just so furious at everything I didn't want to be here. I left and got a pedicure. Then I shopped. I got some adorable shoes to go with my pedicure. But I certainly didn't get a workout.
I did do my abdominal exercises though. Not that it counts for much.
I have to wear short shorts, dresses, and bathing suits for the next 4 days. FML.
I plan to restrict heavily tomorrow too. I did decent today until about 20 mins ago. I'm going to bed now so I don't mess it all up again.
I really need to learn moderate self control. I either control completely, or don't at all. I need to end up somewhere in the middle and know what to order when out, when I really don't need to eat that, and when I shouldn't eat anything at all!
Bleh.
-Lolo
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Celebration Day!
I woke up so sore today! I think I worked myself to hard at the gym the last couple days. I woke up knowing it was break day from the workouts. I had a dentist appointment so now my teeth are so smooth and clean!
The BIG news, however, occurred in a 50 min span before I left for the dentist and while I was in the middle of my appointment. I got my job back for next year!!!!!!!!!!
Okay let's back up. I was laid off in March, like all the new employees, and we were told it was likely we'd be rehired, but we might not know until the end of the summer. The end of the summer??? That's an eternity to NOT know if I'll have a job, be able to keep my apt, pay my bills, so on. My friend texted me around 12:50 and asked "did you get a call?" I said no :( but congratulated her. Then I found out all the other people were called as well. So I went to the dentist gripping my phone and wiling it to ring, and willing it, and willing it. It was torture. In reality it was 1:39 when he called, not even an hour after I found out. But man was it a strenuous 50 mins!
So I'm super-excited. It's celebration day. Boy and I went to return a movie and have lunch at our favorite bar. Played some pool. Can't say I've eaten too well, but I didn't eat anything until then and haven't since. Don't plan to eat more, but I DO plan to drink my weight in alcohol tonight!
This is big! This is my income for the next year!
So yeah. He got us a bottle of champagne and that's what I'm currently sipping. I've had a couple bloody Mary's as well. I had half of my steak sandwich and one slice of his quesadilla.
Total intake? Alot. I didn't really add.
I just can't even express how exciting it is!
I did notice this morning that my abs are starting to show some definition. Beneath all the fat. Bleh. Once I can get rid of the fat layer thought they'll be nice and toned. At least a bit.
I told boy and he said he'd noticed it but hadn't said anything to me. Yay.
Boy doesn't have a scale, boo, but I have noticed my shorts fitting a bit looser. I know working out hasn't helped me lose large amounts, since muscle weighs more than fat. But I have noticed a difference in my body. So with more careful eating and restricting I should begin to see a thinner me in a month or so.
So impatient!
So excited though!
Cheers!
-Lolo
The BIG news, however, occurred in a 50 min span before I left for the dentist and while I was in the middle of my appointment. I got my job back for next year!!!!!!!!!!
Okay let's back up. I was laid off in March, like all the new employees, and we were told it was likely we'd be rehired, but we might not know until the end of the summer. The end of the summer??? That's an eternity to NOT know if I'll have a job, be able to keep my apt, pay my bills, so on. My friend texted me around 12:50 and asked "did you get a call?" I said no :( but congratulated her. Then I found out all the other people were called as well. So I went to the dentist gripping my phone and wiling it to ring, and willing it, and willing it. It was torture. In reality it was 1:39 when he called, not even an hour after I found out. But man was it a strenuous 50 mins!
So I'm super-excited. It's celebration day. Boy and I went to return a movie and have lunch at our favorite bar. Played some pool. Can't say I've eaten too well, but I didn't eat anything until then and haven't since. Don't plan to eat more, but I DO plan to drink my weight in alcohol tonight!
This is big! This is my income for the next year!
So yeah. He got us a bottle of champagne and that's what I'm currently sipping. I've had a couple bloody Mary's as well. I had half of my steak sandwich and one slice of his quesadilla.
Total intake? Alot. I didn't really add.
I just can't even express how exciting it is!
I did notice this morning that my abs are starting to show some definition. Beneath all the fat. Bleh. Once I can get rid of the fat layer thought they'll be nice and toned. At least a bit.
I told boy and he said he'd noticed it but hadn't said anything to me. Yay.
Boy doesn't have a scale, boo, but I have noticed my shorts fitting a bit looser. I know working out hasn't helped me lose large amounts, since muscle weighs more than fat. But I have noticed a difference in my body. So with more careful eating and restricting I should begin to see a thinner me in a month or so.
So impatient!
So excited though!
Cheers!
-Lolo
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
It starts...
I've been doing pretty decent lately, food-wise. Although I didn't work out for a week. I got a little lazy but I came back strong yesterday.
Being home alone during the day actually makes it easier to avoid food. I binge on my green tea which I love! It's when the boy's around that I have difficulty. I mean I love food. That's the main struggle.
I live thinking about food. Tasting it in my mind. Counting calories in my head.
Yeah it's a problem.
And once I start eating I can't stop. So I try not to start.
But the last few days have been pretty good. I'm avoiding eating out. I'm trying to avoid eating at all till after dinner. It really limits my caloric intake if I narrow it down to one meal a day. The one I HAVE to eat, with the boy.
My currents:
CW: 132
HW: 142
GW1: 125
GW2: 120
GW3: 115
My lowest was 110. But I'm not totally sure I want to be that small again. Not that I didn't love it, but ever since I've been working out steadily my legs and butt have been firmer, and I don't know, I kinda like it. Makes my waist look smaller. I guess I don't mine the bigger booty :) And the boy loves it! I suppose as long as it doesn't bother me it's ok. Besides, I have HUGE man shoulders, and when I was a size 0/1 I just looked bad. I can't do anything about the shoulders, so the bigger butt and legs balances it out.
So far today:
2 cups of green tea (3 soon)
Handful of capn' crunch berries 50ish cals?
Don't know the exact amount of intake when I have handfuls of cereal. I'll also be drinking half my chocolate Muscle Milk before I workout. It's 50 cals. I make boy drink the other half. I know it's only 100 cals but I just can't stand to drink it then have to burn it off! Seems to defeat the purpose for me.
I do notice that I can work harder when I drink it thought, but half is enough.
Not quite sure what's on the menu for dinner yet...running low on the low cal stuff. Eeek.
-Lolo
Being home alone during the day actually makes it easier to avoid food. I binge on my green tea which I love! It's when the boy's around that I have difficulty. I mean I love food. That's the main struggle.
I live thinking about food. Tasting it in my mind. Counting calories in my head.
Yeah it's a problem.
And once I start eating I can't stop. So I try not to start.
But the last few days have been pretty good. I'm avoiding eating out. I'm trying to avoid eating at all till after dinner. It really limits my caloric intake if I narrow it down to one meal a day. The one I HAVE to eat, with the boy.
My currents:
CW: 132
HW: 142
GW1: 125
GW2: 120
GW3: 115
My lowest was 110. But I'm not totally sure I want to be that small again. Not that I didn't love it, but ever since I've been working out steadily my legs and butt have been firmer, and I don't know, I kinda like it. Makes my waist look smaller. I guess I don't mine the bigger booty :) And the boy loves it! I suppose as long as it doesn't bother me it's ok. Besides, I have HUGE man shoulders, and when I was a size 0/1 I just looked bad. I can't do anything about the shoulders, so the bigger butt and legs balances it out.
So far today:
2 cups of green tea (3 soon)
Handful of capn' crunch berries 50ish cals?
Don't know the exact amount of intake when I have handfuls of cereal. I'll also be drinking half my chocolate Muscle Milk before I workout. It's 50 cals. I make boy drink the other half. I know it's only 100 cals but I just can't stand to drink it then have to burn it off! Seems to defeat the purpose for me.
I do notice that I can work harder when I drink it thought, but half is enough.
Not quite sure what's on the menu for dinner yet...running low on the low cal stuff. Eeek.
-Lolo
Why this blog?
“Do you not know that there are souls constantly tormented? They need by turns to dream and to act, the purest passions and the most turbulent joys, and thus they fling themselves into all sorts of fantasies, of follies.”
--Madame Bovary
--Madame Bovary
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